she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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