i permit you to call me
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
