sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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