I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
