There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
