last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
