I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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