I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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