I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
