A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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