I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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