Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
