I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
