make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There's even glitter on my cock...
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