ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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