i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize