Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
