some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This is my gift to your gina
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
