Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
this boner is exhausting
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
