does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
