I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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