Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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