Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
only if we run a train.
done.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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