i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
