My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
