Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
