he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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