i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
