why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
