worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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