So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
