GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
