i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
