Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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