you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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