dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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