No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
