my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize