I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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