Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
