It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I could make wine with my vomit
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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