How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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