Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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