My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
