why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
