I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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