and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize