either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The Olympian is in my bed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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