More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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