meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
