can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize