Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Two words: blizzard sex
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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