I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
