you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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