i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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