I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
