If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
