I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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