I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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